TO: Lt. Col. R. FOX BATT (Comm.)
FROM: Capt. K. C 1st CAV RECON (Ret.)
RE: Report on counter insurgency activities pursuant to attack
and occupation of Love Shack base Zero; Zone: A.T.T.I.C.
by grey Squirrel irregulars with support of flying Squirrel
units and Rodent ground forces.
Preliminary pro-active carpet artillary shelling with mothballs;
Ineffective. Repeat: Ineffective. Initial grey squirrel supported
by flying squirrel units attack and occupy A.T.T.I.C. late
November. Subsequent mining of A.T.T.I.C. perimeter with glue
traps and heavy R.A.T. devices minimally effective.
Enemy casualties: (1) flying squirrel; (1) mouse.
Grey Squirrel units expert at night guerilla combat.
Response with ultra sonic noise and strobe light harassment:
Ineffective. Repeat: Ineffective.
Orders to attack rodent supply lines on the ground
issued 25 December 2007 0530 hours.
For the record, sir, this decision was mine
and mine alone.
Intelligence reports baited steel "C" traps laced with
peanut butter irresistable to enemy personnel.
Also, unfortunately, irrestible to civilian populations
as well. Casualties: (1) rabbit.
Rodent units massing perimeter last 48 hours.
Await EVAC. This is a Hot LZ. Repeat: This is a Hot LZ.
Irate rabbits moving in on the ground; squirrels on the
roof. On duty 72 hours. Must not sleep.
Endless scratching and gnawing from A.T.T.I.C.
Can't hold out much lon...